


The Legendary Goat Man

by PastaBucket



Category: Kung Fu Panda - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Sex, Bad Ending, Coprophagia, Domination, Humiliation, M/M, Rape, pissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-06-07 08:00:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15214670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastaBucket/pseuds/PastaBucket
Summary: Kung Fu Panda seeks out the legendary Goat Man to learn kung fuonly to get schooled something fierce.Wrote this while pretty high.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BrenDaniel](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=BrenDaniel).



 

Kung Fu Panda struggled greatly with the groceries in his arms, to the amusement for the old granny he was helping out. He was convinced that he was a kung fu master, and that his kung fu was strong, and yet this was horrible torture.

"You are the weakest and most pathetic excuse for a man that I've ever encountered.", she scolded him after he had finally dropped off the bags at her house. "How DARE your call yourself a kung fu master, you old bum?!" She slammed the door in his face.

"...b-but I have socks! I wear pants!", he shouted his protests to the closed door. ...but it was no use. Lots of people wore pants and socks nowadays.

Panda slowly made his way back home, sad and broken. He liked to pretend that he had friends at times, but his big dirty secret, was that he wasn't really a kung fu master. He was just a fat blob, psychotic with delusions of grandeur.

...but then he stopped in his tracks. Maybe there was somebody in this village who could help him after all. There was some guy in his village, called The Goat Man, who were rumored to know actual kung fu. Maybe he could train him. ...and after that people would start to take him seriously.

...but when Panda had finally arrived, he just found an empty house. He read the note attached to the front door: "Have abandoned civilization to go live on the nearby mountain top. Will not ever be back."

"Really?", Panda groaned at the thought of having to climb a mountain. His cardio was truly awful.

...but he had to try, so the next morning he finally set out on his "legendary" journey that literally nobody else cared about.

 

When he had gotten a fair bit up the mountain, he suddenly heard a voice taunting him from the cliffs above him:

"Ooh! What have we here? A new challenger? Naah. This one's far too stuffed with all kinds of shit, to pose any significance to me."

Panda looked up and saw a little scrawny looking figure maybe half his height, and just a fraction of his width.

"You are The Goat Man, aren't you?", Panda replied.

"That's 'The LEGENDARY Goat Man' to you."

"I will beat you, Goat Man. My Kung Fu is strong! I am a kung fu master!"

The Goat Man just rolled about on the cliff above him, laughing his ass off. "What a comedian you are, panda. ...but wait, I have a present for you."

"For me?", said Panda.

A moment later a stream of urine hit his face, accompanied by a whinnying laughter.

Panda opened his mouth in protest, but was only silenced by the urine then entering his mouth.

What sort of a guy pissed another man in the face - honestly?

"Haha! Now you're all covered in stinky urine, 'kung fu master'."

"Grrr! I'll get you!". Panda shook his soft and furry paw at him.

"Oh, will you now? See, I highly doubt that.", Goat Man mused.

Then he grew bored with Panda and skipped away across the cliffs in such an effortless way, that it made Panda just stare in jealous marvel.

 

By the time that Panda had reached almost to the cloud line, he was too exhausted to even stand anymore. He could see a little cave in the distance, that was probably Goat Man's home, but the painful cramps in his shins and in his side, was just too much to bear. All that he could do, was to collapse onto his puffy belly, and gasp for air to fill his starving lungs.

That's when he heard Goat Man jumping down behind him. "Ooh! You are too kind, coming up here, almost right to my doorstep, and assuming the position for me."

"What are you talking about?", Panda said, before suddenly making the largest surprised O-face in the world, from something the size of a pinky finger entering a place where nothing had entered before.

"Your pussy is lovely, miss.", Goat Man chuckled.

"Hey! Stop that! I'm not a woman! That's not a pussy! I poop from there!", said Panda, too weak to move anything but his helplessly flailing arms.

"Well it sure FEELS like a pussy.", Goat Man continued, sliding his little pecker in and out of Panda. "Besides, take it as a compliment: You're a lousy man, but as a woman you still have ONE use."

Having exhausted even his arms, trying to pull himself away, all that Panda could do at this point, was to occationally give out little feminine grunts of surrender, as the filthy Goat Man pleasured himself with his anus.

"Who's your daddy?!", Goat Man exclaimed.

"You are.", Panda sobbed.

"Louder!"

"You are!"

"...and who's the little bitch?!"

"I... ...am!", Panda cried in defeat.

"Again!"

"I am!", Panda cried as Goat Man's pecker started pumping spurts of semen into his exposed ass.

"That's right, Panda! ...and don't you forget it!"

When Goat Man was finally done filling his ass with plenty of sperm, he kicked Kung Fu Panda in the balls for good measure, and climbed up the mountain top again, leaving Kung Fu Panda to wallow in the shame of defeat: This was his lot in life - to be peed on and raped by goat hermits.

 

When Kung Fu Panda could move again, he retreated from the mountain. Humiliated, and with his ass full of cum, he staggered homeward, sobbing all the way.

The only comfort that Panda knew, was the only thing on his mind right now: Food. ...but this experience had opened his eyes: He wasn't even worthy of food anymore. He had to face his shame.

Squatting down, his giant belly spreading over his legs and tears streaming down his fat cheeks, he slowly produced three big semen coated loafs. What a feast he had made, and it was all for him. He began stuffing himself, while crying. The taste was awful, but he endured. It was what he deserved for being such a fuck up, and maybe the only thing he would ever amount to of anything resembling worth: Him fully owning his shame.

"Should I kill myself?", he wondered briefly. "No! That is not the way of a kung fu master. A real kung fu master would never quit, no matter how many times he got defeated and raped!"

...and so Kung Fu Panda swore to never give up, and to make his way up the mountain again soon. He could only hope that this time would be different.

...but it never would be. Kung Fu Panda was simply a bitch for life.

 

The End

 


	2. Chapter 2

Kung Fu Panda awoke from his slumber. Was he still in a dream? No, somebody was definitely still peeing him in the face. He spat out the pee in his mouth and defended himself as best he could.

"Hey, please! Stop that!"

"Oh!", the old woman chuckled. "I didn't see you there. I figured it was trash I was pissing on, but now I see... ...that it's actually just trash I'm pissing on!", she laughed.

Kung Fu Panda sat up, and used an old newspaper to wipe off some of her piss. "Is this the thanks that I get for helping you with your groceries?", he complained.

"Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I can carry three times what you can, but hey, you're 'the great kung fu master'.", she mocked. "I took pity on you, and all I get is you babbling on about your delusions of grandeur. No wonder your so called 'parent' threw you out."

"Why are you so mean to me? What have I done to you?"

"Oh why am I even wasting my breath on you, when you're not even paying attention?", she snorted. "Maybe because your fat belly is taking up half the garbage alley and I want you gone, but nobody in the village can drag you anywhere, because again, you're too fat! ...and you stink! I think a little pee would be an improvement!"

"Well I'm sorry - alright?"

"Bullshit 'you're sorry'!", the old woman snorted at him. "Get up!"

"Get up? Why?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot: That's the one thing that kung fu masters are really good at, isn't it? ...just sitting around on their asses all day long, 'detaching'."

"Uh, I'm pretty sure that's 'zen masters'.", Kung Fu Panda corrected her.

"GET UP BEFORE I BEAT YOU UP AND CUT YOU UP INTO LITTLE PIECES, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING WASTE OF SPACE!", the old woman yelled.

This scared him up to his feet.

"Oh, so you CAN stand?", she remarked. "I thought your legs maybe had rotted away during all your wallowing."

"Okay, I'm up. ...but I have no place to go.", Kung Fu Panda tried.

"No place to go? Really? Well I'm going to close my eyes and count to five, and if you haven't found SOMEWHERE to go by the time I'm opening them, I'm gonna beat the shit out of you!"

As the old woman closed her eyes and began counting, Panda realized that he really should be somewhere else, if only it was out of her sight.

He made a lumbering exit out of the alleyway, breathing heavily from the strain in his legs having to support his abundance of fat. The life and trials of a kung fu master, could be really hard sometimes.


	3. Chapter 3

Kung Fu Panda awoke to being repeatedly pummeled by a broom. He tried to cover himself from the beating, but it was really hard. "Hey! Wha-?! Sto-!"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY ALLEY AGAIN, YOU LITTLE SHITSTAIN?!", the old lady yelled before the pummeling stopped.

"B-but it's MY alley!", he protested. "I sleep here."

"You sleep?!", the old lady said. "What the hell do you have to sleep for?! What could you possibly have done during the day, that would warrant rest?!"

"I... I write stories on AO3, and I... You know, searching for food around here is pretty demanding for a guy my size. ...and my appetite."

"YOU DON'T DESERVE FOOD!", the old woman roared. "It will only prolong your pitiful existence!"

"Well... ...I'm sorry?", Panda tried.

"No you're not. You may think you are, but people like you only say you're sorry out of politeness."

"Uhm... ...okay." Panda wasn't quite sure of what to say now.

"Well? Are you just sitting around there because you think I'm too tired to give you another whooping?"

"Well, actually my legs hurt today. Running away from you was really taxing."

"Do they hurt more than the whooping you're about to recieve?"

"Uh, no, wait!" Panda shielded himself. "I'll leave - I'll leave!"

What a crazy bitch.


	4. Chapter 4

Panda's sphincter expanded to give way for the second contender. "...and in the blue corner, we have - gnnn - what feels like a thinner one."

He rolled around in the puddle of his own excretia to pick up the second kung fu master in his other hand.

"Do you agree to do the fight and nothing but the fight, so help you God?"

He nodded the majestic shits on each hand.

"I'm gonna kill you!", he threw his voice to shit #1.

"Nuhuh, because I'm gonna kill YOU!", said shit #2.

"I've got the power of coke on my side!"

"Well I..." He leaned the turd against a rock. " ...can actually stand on my own! Impressive, huh?"

The two kung fu masters were equally matched. Who would win?

"Bluergh!", said shit #2.

"You have to speak up, Mister Kung Fu Master #2. Shit #1 can't hear you.", Panda said.

"I said I'm changing my legal name, and so now I don't have to fight."

"That is indeed some powerful Kung Fu magic."

"I'm still the man, though, because technically I didn't lose."

"That's some really profound kung fu wisdom.", Panda pondered. "If you keep running away, you will never lose in a fight."

...and then he ate them both. "...but I'm still the biggest piece of shit around here, and don't you forget it."

...but the next moment he choked on them both and had to cough them out so that he could breathe again.

"Okay, you win, I guess. I tried."

He'd been bested by the two kung fu masters.


	5. Chapter 5

With eyes wide, Kungfu Panda stared at the toilet paper. It was white. It was like he'd never even wiped. No feces, sure, but also no blood. ...which meant that his anus wasn't bleeding anymore. What kind of sorcery was this? He'd been bleeding for so long that it was just part of who he was.

He looked at his hands and wrists again. His rashes were healing too. He was noticably healing all over, within just 12 hours of sleep. Is this what a proper shower with soap, and clean bedsheets not gooey with flesheating bacteria did to you? Amazing.

The bed had smelled of detergent - not that putrid stench of rotting infestation. He hadn't even wanted to get out of bed.

The old hag had saved him from freezing to death, as long as he could observe basic hygiene. She had figured that if he died, his body would just freeze to the ground and dethaw in the spring, to stink up the alley even more, with the stench seeping into her house as well. ...and so taking him in, was damage control.

If he felt the need to speak to her, he needed to brush his teeth first, and so he figured that he'd just take a Kung Fu vow of silence instead.

With a smile he flexed his anus. His beautiful, non-bleeding anus.


	6. Chapter 6

Collapsed on the wooden floor, Kung Fu Panda let out a long groan from exhaustion as his temporary caretaker entered the room.

"What the fuck have you done to the room, you walking disaster?!", she steamed.

"Putting on socks is hard.", Panda groaned at the ceiling.

"Fuck you, you little shit!" She kicked the downed bloat lord in his puffy side, sending wobbling ripples through his entire body. "I put on my socks every fucking morning and I don't have to use kung fu to do it! Why can't you fucking act like normal people at least for one day?!"

"But I'm a Kung Fu master.", Panda moaned. "I am expected to carry myself like one."

She began kicking him furiously as she screamed: "YOU'RE A! FAT! TUB! OF LARD!" She stopped herself from arguing the point any further, since it would just be like talking to a wall.

"I changed my underwear?", he tried to please her. "These new ones are cozy and dry."

"...AND DRY?!", the old woman screamed. "I'm really looking forward to washing those, with the same washingboard as MY clothes!" Again she reminded herself that killing this pest would just leave a huge rotting body that couldn't leave on its own.

"Look, when I fart, and I'm soft, sometimes little bits come out - that's all. ...or its blood. My anus is bleeding again."

"I DIDN'T ASK!", she screamed in horror. "I don't want to know! I just wish I could bury you in a big pile of detergent and watch you dissolve away, you monster!"


	7. Chapter 7

"Ouch!", Panda winced in pain as he was dragged outside. "Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!"

"Shut the fuck up, you bastard clown!", the old woman frowned.

"But it's in my eyes!", Panda compained. "I can't see anything!"

"I thought you said you were a kung fu master. I thought kung fu masters were used to daylight."

"No, I think I must be a Kung Fu Master of the Night, like Batman."

"Like who? There's a Kung Fu Bat now? Where's he at? Maybe he could kick some goddamn sense into you."

"Please! It hurts!", Panda winced as he was dragged along.

"Maybe you should have thought of that before you spent all whole week stinking up my guest bed."

"I was just recovering! I live the harsh life of a..."

"If you say 'kung fu master' one more time, I'm gonna GIVE you something to recover from!", the old woman shouted at him. "Motherfucking kung fu freeloader...", she mumbled to herself.


End file.
